Injury is isolating. Undiagnosed injury or illness is trying. Seeking diagnosis during a pandemic-induced shelter-in-place order is bringing up the deepest of feels. I know things could be worse, but that doesn't negate the darkness creeping in, which I typically keep at bay with regular physical activity.
So – what happens after mile 30? Does a secret door open up to a magical universe where fairies ride on the tips of unicorn horns, the secrets of life whispering forth from the flap, flap, flap of their wings? Nope. It was pretty much just more running and more pain and more joy.
Right around mile 22 is when things started to go south. I was grinding up a hill, seemingly on the path to Mordor based on the heat and the terrain, when I encountered a hiker. Two runners who kept passing me, sitting to rest until I passed them, only to pass me again, were coming up to pass me for perhaps the 37th time.
As I saw Nikki Kimball running towards me, I had a surreal moment. In the split second that felt like minutes, I at once saw the progress I'd made both physically and mentally over the last three years and it hit me that I was running and running well on the same course as the person who inspired this pastime of mine.
While my unconscious has been busy processing all the disruption in my life, my ego went hog wild, partying and breaking valuables. It's not all that surprising, but while I was in it, I just knew I was miserable and couldn't figure out how to get out of it. That's when I remembered. I have a say in the matter.
In this era of vision boards and manifesting our desires, how is it different to 'create the life that I want' versus being attached to outcome? I once felt I had a handle on this concept, but as I contemplate it now, it seems to me it's a matter of how much control one has over the outcome that dictates how much suffering attachment creates.
This might come as a surprise, or not, depending on how long you've known me, but while laughter and playfulness have always come naturally to me, optimism for the future has not...